Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
