No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
