Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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