I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize