Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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