I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
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masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
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Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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