Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
