I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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