it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
