Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
