your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
high people should be assigned attendants
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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