I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
