You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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