You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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