Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
