we have officially lost it.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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