Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
