The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
