he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
