So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
