I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
