Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
why do cheetos always look like penises
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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