How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
