69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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