im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
