I faked an abortion last night.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
