after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
