my sisters under your porch take her home
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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