yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I have already put on my inside pants.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
