Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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