fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
