You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
