How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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