I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Why is your signature on my underwear?
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When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
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and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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