now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
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Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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