we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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