so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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