repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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