Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
