I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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