The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
