if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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