In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
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You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
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I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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