Do you still have your period?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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