someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
