You can't motorboat a personality
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
