i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
