I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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