I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
