I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
