I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
