Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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