i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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