Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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