He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
