My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
