I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
