drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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