I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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